Tag Archives: love

Love and Bitterness

“I’m starting to believe I don’t truly love most people in my life. I don’t know. Maybe the problem is that I can’t recognise love.  Most “love” I have received in my life has been a disguise for manipulation and interest. I used to call it “conditional love”, but I have now realise it isn’t even that. Anyways, sometimes I think most acts of “love” I carry out are due to a weird sense of responsibility and to avoid possible feelings of guilt. I always say I’m not as nice as many ~claim~: although I help others a lot, my mind is not a loving place at all. Moreover, I don’t think I help because of niceness… I think it is because of my morality. I do it because it is the right thing to do, not because I want to do it.

In fact, I hate when people call me ‘nice’. My so-called kindness, softness and peacefulness are for consumption of everyone but me. Everyone knows I’m soft and I hate conflict, I give in or forgive, so I always get played in the worst ways. “You are so kind and loving,” people say, while they treat me like trash. And the moment I stand up for myself, the world ends. I become too arrogant, too stubborn, too vile. “You are too young to be so bitter,” they say, while I’m also too young to experience everything they have put me through. “You will never date with that attitude”, they say, not realising 1) I don’t care 2) that’s the point. “You need to be less disobedient”, they say, as if being submissive and following imaginary rules for 20 year has gotten me anywhere but to despair.

To be honest, I must admit that I prefer being called “bitter” over “nice”: it is a more accurate adjective for who I want to be seen as. I hate being soft and empathetic. Not only I am overly sensitive, but I’m also overly stupid and overly submissive. Always trying to care about others’ feelings, always looking like a fool, always trying to please everyone. I’m tired of being manipulated. Yet, I know I can’t truly change who I am. But I can make sure I’m perceived as a bitter person, so people don’t get close at all and I stay alone with my mind and thoughts.”

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Song Lyrics: Who Is Gonna Love Me?

“(VERSE 1)

My problematic unloved soul

Has accepted that it might always be alone

 

I’m too complicated and paradoxical

Way too weird to be understood by someone

 

Trust is something I lack

Met too many people that didn’t treat me right

 

(PRE-CHORUS)

So I know dating isn’t for me

Yet, I still wonder…

 

(CHORUS)

Who is gonna love me?

Who is gonna stay?

Who is gonna heal me?

And end my pain?

 

I don’t see anyone

Courting me and liking me enough

To tolerate my broken mind

And to fill the empty spaces in my heart

 

(VERSE 2)

My dysfunctional sad brain

Has processed it will never find a partner

 

I’m too arrogant and cold

Way too independent to depend on someone else

 

Bravery is something I lack

Met too many people that told me to step back

 

(PRE-CHORUS)

Hence I’m aware relationships aren’t for me

Yet, I still wonder….

 

(CHORUS)

Who is gonna love me?

Who is gonna stay?

Who is gonna heal me?

And end my pain?

 

I don’t see anyone

Courting me and liking me enough

To tolerate my broken mind

And to fill the empty spaces in my heart

 

(BRIDGE-Just Melody)

 

(CHORUS)

Who is gonna love me?

Who is gonna stay?

Who is gonna heal me?

And end my pain?

 

I don’t see anyone

Anyone

Anyone

Courting me and liking me enough

To tolerate my broken mind

To tolerate my broken mind

And to fill the empty spaces in my heart”

 

By Emilie H. Featherington

All Rights Reserved © 2016

Poem: Erroneous Honesty

“It will get better

A short promise

Which has never materialised

 

It is full of power and hope

Which do nothing but deceive

And anger a hurt soul

 

Why is no one frank?

I wish the revealed truth wasn’t subjective

Naivety is to blame for my heart’s death

 

Suddenly nothing matters anymore

Apathy is my new invisible friend

Silent, but as toxic as its predecessor

 

Everything I loved

I craved and even fought for

Has become everything I hate and want far away

 

When did my favourite days of the year became the least favourite ones?

My birth and the birth of Christ

Days of sorrow rather than joy now

 

All because of lies

Nobody likes to be played

And without apologies, the game doesn’t end

 

At least I’m not a wishful thinker anymore

Too familiar with arrogance to expect anything better

Just wish people thought before acting and hurting others

 

As if growing up in care, black, poor, and a woman wasn’t enough

I can’t lie, I try to love my identity, but it sucks

To be sane, I have to pretend these handicaps aren’t real

 

I don’t enlighten myself to seem smart

I don’t want to be an activist for praise

In my life these aren’t options, it is either do them or die

 

Struggles don’t make me strong

They just make me wish I was never born

While weakening my mind, unleashing my dark side

 

They say scars make you perfect

But, what if they don’t heal?

Infections like mine kill

 

Gratitude is so important

Still, it won’t tame the pain I have endured

Nor the silent calls for explanations

 

I cherish my professional career

My studies, my grades

And the few friendships I have

 

My friends are the biggest gifts life could have ever given me

Not many, I can count them with my hands’ fingers

Yet, invaluable, life-saving and matchless

 

 

However, I can’t stand

Who I am, who I am surrounded by

When I didn’t choose our ties and I can’t left them behind

 

They influence my life too much

Burning my neurons, altering my hormones

Clotting my vessels, asphyxiating my lungs

 

Also, attractiveness remains my most unattainable goal

Love for me is a dangerous fairy tale

And I’m not a princess who thrives in chaos

 

So much ache that can’t be spoken about

And can barely be written about

Repression becomes the only option

 

I used to be optimistic

I believed in the possibility of change

I thought good times were coming

 

But…

After twenty years of seeing a cycle that never ends

I buried my confidence and did a funeral for it

 

What did I do to deserve this curse?

I’m starting to believe in all the stories about magic

This bad luck is supernatural

 

I guess, not everyone is born to live

Some are just born to survive

Be productive for the world and die

 

Facing reality may have saved my mind

I no longer poison myself with denial

My mind is clearer now that my illusions evaporated

 

Everything might stay the same, probably will worsen as always

At least I won’t waste time wishing anymore, since now I know

It won’t get better”

 

-Written with the motive of my 20th birthday.

 

By Emilie H. Featherington

All Rights Reserved © 2016

Song Lyrics: You Were There

“(VERSE 1)

It all began

With a simple tweet

And an indirect

That I made

You understood my intentions

And with just a mention

We became friends

Part of the clique trend

All the jokes

That we told

And the fun

That we had

Made me trust you

And tell you my secrets

You told me yours

So much sorrow in a few words

(PRE-CHORUS)

I found in you

Something I had lost

You ended my loneliness

Welcoming me into your heart

Your kind words

Dried the tears from my eyes

Melted the ice from my heart

Day and night

When my emotions crumbled….

(CHORUS)

You were there

When others weren’t

You were there

Virtually hugging my soul

You didn’t promise

Everything would be okay

But you made me feel

As if everything could be okay

You were there

When the devil came for me

You prevented him

From taking me with him

You didn’t promise

That you would never leave

But you made me feel

As if you will always be here

You were there

When others weren’t

You were there

(VERSE 2)

It’s been nearly 3 years

From that simple tweet

And the indirect

That I made

You stayed by my side

And with just a message

We knew how each other felt

While watching our illusions melt

All the dreams

That we disclosed

And the wishes

That we had

Connected us

I shared my nightmares with you

You shared yours

So much pain in a few sentences

(PRE-CHORUS 2)

I found in you

The sister I lost

You ended my loneliness

Giving me a place in your life

Your kind words

Cleaned my dark soul

Liberated my silent mind

Day and night

When my emotions crumbled…

(CHORUS)

You were there

When others weren’t

You were there

Virtually hugging my soul

You didn’t promise

Everything would be okay

But you made me feel

As if everything could be okay

You were there

When the devil came for me

You prevented him

From taking me with him

You didn’t promise

That you would never leave

But you made me feel

As if you will always be here

You were there

When others weren’t

You were there

(BRIDGE- JUST MELODY)

(CHORUS)

You were there

When others weren’t

You were there

Virtually hugging my soul

You didn’t promise

Everything would be okay

But you made me feel

As if everything could be okay

You were there

When the devil came for me

You prevented him

From taking me with him

You didn’t promise

That you would never leave

But you made me feel

As if you will always be here

You were there

When others weren’t

You were there

You were there

When others weren’t

You were there”

 

By Emilie H. Featherington

All Rights Reserved © 2016

 

 

 

 

 

Poem: Keywords

“Reclaim

What was lost

What was stolen

What was hated

What was misinterpreted

 

Knowledge

The silenced words

The burned scripts

The enslaved souls

The destroyed science

 

Spaces

Which aren’t open for you

Which systematically exclude you

Which you still enter

Which you, against the odds, conquer

 

Language

That upholds supremacies

That reinforces stereotypes

That deconstructs binaries

That frees the oppressed

 

Experiences

When fears meet the present

When hate becomes more than mistrust

When hope resurrects the past

When lies can’t be left behind

 

Intersectionality

The ignored formula

The uncomfortable necessity

The sought goal

The ultimate achievement

 

Love

Who suppressed it and hid from it?

Who found it and suffered because of it?

Who gives it and owns it?

Who practices it and self-applies it?

 

Empowerment

That breaks oxidised chains

That alters unfair imbalances

That strengthens free minds

That recovers the voice of some

 

Land

Where traditions were buried with no funeral

Where the dispossessed laid dead, waiting for an uncertain end

Where naive settlers became privileged

Where battles are still being fought for the unknown

 

Freedom

The cruelest game

The deadliest desire

The end of the tunnel

The most honourable sacrifice

 

Pluriversality

How it challenges the mainstream

How it contradicts misguided narratives

How it offers alternatives

How it nurtures difference

That makes us less indifferent”

 

-Written after being inspired by the #DecoloniseSussex week events, particularly the conference on Monday the 11th of April (Decolonizing Education: Towards Academic Freedom In Pluriversality) and the talks & performances by poet Asma Elbadawi and rapper Akala on Wednesday the 13th of April.

By Emilie H. Featherington

All Rights Reserved © 2016