Love and Bitterness

“I’m starting to believe I don’t truly love most people in my life. I don’t know. Maybe the problem is that I can’t recognise love.  Most “love” I have received in my life has been a disguise for manipulation and interest. I used to call it “conditional love”, but I have now realise it isn’t even that. Anyways, sometimes I think most acts of “love” I carry out are due to a weird sense of responsibility and to avoid possible feelings of guilt. I always say I’m not as nice as many ~claim~: although I help others a lot, my mind is not a loving place at all. Moreover, I don’t think I help because of niceness… I think it is because of my morality. I do it because it is the right thing to do, not because I want to do it.

In fact, I hate when people call me ‘nice’. My so-called kindness, softness and peacefulness are for consumption of everyone but me. Everyone knows I’m soft and I hate conflict, I give in or forgive, so I always get played in the worst ways. “You are so kind and loving,” people say, while they treat me like trash. And the moment I stand up for myself, the world ends. I become too arrogant, too stubborn, too vile. “You are too young to be so bitter,” they say, while I’m also too young to experience everything they have put me through. “You will never date with that attitude”, they say, not realising 1) I don’t care 2) that’s the point. “You need to be less disobedient”, they say, as if being submissive and following imaginary rules for 20 year has gotten me anywhere but to despair.

To be honest, I must admit that I prefer being called “bitter” over “nice”: it is a more accurate adjective for who I want to be seen as. I hate being soft and empathetic. Not only I am overly sensitive, but I’m also overly stupid and overly submissive. Always trying to care about others’ feelings, always looking like a fool, always trying to please everyone. I’m tired of being manipulated. Yet, I know I can’t truly change who I am. But I can make sure I’m perceived as a bitter person, so people don’t get close at all and I stay alone with my mind and thoughts.”

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