It Is Hard To Live With That Reality

“I often wonder why can’t I be a different person. I don’t like who I am personality wise. I’m an introverted person with complex emotions and high sensibility. I’m very independent and autonomous, leading to anti-social and individualistic behaviour. I don’t trust anyone easily, not even my family, and I can’t fake or hide my feelings for long. I’m also quite arrogant a lot of times, when I reach my limits. I tend to have anger attacks now and then, everyday more often. My normal facial expression always make seem like if I’m annoyed, when really, I’m probably just thinking or reflecting. I don’t like to smile, even if laugh sometimes due to really stupid things.

People have always described me as a “nice quiet serious” girl, which is true. However, recently, someone told me I was a “sad boring” girl for my constant involvement and interest in activism, volunteering and social issues. And to be fair, I see their point. I’m a boring person for my age. I am 19, but I act 30 most of the time. I don’t find incredible joy in going out partying, I don’t like drinking a lot of alcohol, I rather read and discuss books to watch movies and just laugh about them, and my favourite hobby is writing. These things aren’t really great for someone in my generation. They are only good when you are online on the Internet, because you meet people similar to you.

Moreover, in the last three years, I have been working very hard in college to get good grades for university and scholarships. At the end of the day, I don’t have much options other than going to uni, because my family is dysfunctional, and staying at home with them is not an option, since it is causing me a lot of distress currently. And if I don’t get scholarships, I will struggle, because I’m going to support myself financially in uni, with no help from others. So I have really focused all my energy and abilities on getting top grades, something I never did before. And this sounds positive, but it isn’t. I have become that student “who always does things right and knows everything and is very intelligent”. And people don’t like that student, except to ask her for help. People actually mock that student or make sarcastic remarks about her, thinking she is stupid and she won’t understand them because she isn’t English. I hate being that student. Then again, I have no other option.

Another side of myself I hate is the fact that I never stand out and I’m bad making friends. I don’t have a personality that would make people interested on me. I’m a reserved shy person, so I always stay quiet and serious till I find myself comfortable. I’m a very reflective person, so I like to have time to think without being interrupted. I’m a bad speaker, since I have speech issues since I was a kid and I had to get surgery on my tongue to correct them. To be fair, I don’t like being in the spotlight, but sometimes, I wish people would remember me and invite me to hang out or something. It hardly ever happens. I wish I was more popular and attractive and shiny. I have always wished so. I’m not funny except on the Internet; I don’t fit in society’s current standards of beauty; and I’m not especially clever. The only thing I’m good at is writing, and hardly anyone but my close friends cares about that. And as I said, people always label me as “nice”, but nobody cares about nice people unless they need something from them. This isn’t bad, because at least they talk to you and they are polite with you. People won’t hate you, they just won’t love you.

Although I wish I could change all this about myself, and I try to change it, I can’t change completely. You can always improve as a person, but certain traits will stay because that’s who you are. There shouldn’t be a need to change just to fit in society anyways, unless your behaviour is rude, problematic and violent. But if you don’t change or act as everyone else, you end up being lonely normally. People always say “be yourself”, but they only want you when you act like them and you adapt to their likes. And it is hard to live with that reality.”

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